Growing up will bring me down

Probably my favorite picture of me and some of my oldest friends. Pictured at the Rosamond Gifford Zoo in Syracuse, NY in November 2012. We went to the zoo as a field trip in our senior year of high school.

I love nostalgia. I crave it. I love checking the Timehop app every morning to see what I was doing one, two, three years ago on social media and what pictures are on my photo stream from the day. I was never that person that wanted to grow up. I am always perfectly content where I am. Growing up is totally bringing me down. I promised myself it never would. 

I always found it weird in movies when adults would say things like "childhood bedroom" and "childhood friends" because here I am, as an "adult," living in my childhood bedroom and hanging out with childhood friends. What changes? Why is this bedroom with a ratty couch and an antique desk exclusive to my childhood? 

Growing up might be bringing me down because this summer was less than ideal. Not that anything bad happened but I didn't do the things I normally love to do in the summer. I worked two jobs this summer but rarely complained about that simple fact. I love working and my jobs are good considering I'm a twenty-year old with no degree. I didn't get to spend as much time with my friends and younger sister as I would have liked to. Is that what it means to grow up?

There are things I'll never feel again because I'm growing up. There are things I'll never do again because I'm growing up. I'll never wake up before the sun rises ever again (hopefully) and have to warm up the car on a cold fall morning before the long drive of three miles to school. I went the same way to school for twelve years. Turn right at the intersection to go to my elementary school and around the cul-de-sac is my middle school. Turn left at the intersection to go to my high school. Everyday for twelve years. 

I miss this. These are things I never thought I would miss. Of all the people in the world, who would have thought I would miss all the weird quirks of high school and mundane aspects of growing up? My life is a constant high to low and I'm feeling sad about graduating high school two years after I should have felt sad. 

Another one of my favorite pictures. Pictured at our high school graduation in June 2013.

Syracuse was my kingdom growing up. My house was my palace. I could do anything I wanted whenever I wanted. Syracuse is no longer my kingdom. I conquered Syracuse and I'm moving on. Lately I feel like I don't want to move on. Lately I've been more nostalgic than usual and find myself thinking about simple things that I did everyday that I want to be part of life again. 

I spent my senior year of high school alternating between an art classroom (I wasn't even part of the class) and a dark room (which is the size of a large closet). I would screw around with my friends for the final half of the day four of the five days out of the school week (one day a week I would have gym class) and it felt like we owned that school. That is a feeling I'll never get back along with something I'll never do again. 

High school was fun because I didn’t care about it. I wore black to pep rallies and semi-formal dresses to formal dances. I sat in on classes I didn’t belong to and gossiped with teachers about other teachers. People want to get out of Syracuse but they never do. I grew up.

I'm not sure why growing is now just bringing me down. I've applied for a few internships this summer and didn't receive a single one. I haven't had any luck with internships but I can lock down a minimum wage paying job like nobody's business. I'm torn between growing up and finding that real job that I've wanted since I started college and going back to high school and just having a good time. For now, I'll just keep The Maine's song "Growing Up Won't Bring Me Down" in the back of head, the song I've tried to keep in the back of my head since the album came out.