I love spending time with guys and being a bro (a lot of people tell me I'm a bro). I love to be around someone who can make me laugh and feel differently than my girlfriends can. I love it when a guy can make me cringe, blush, smile, laugh all in the same period of time. I love it when a guy makes me want to rip my hair out because I like him so much or I just want to talk to him so badly. I don't want a long term relationship because I'm okay with where I am right now. I can go have my fun with my girlfriends but I know I can go have fun with a guy too. There's the flirtation with guys that will never lead to anything and I like that.
I put myself, my education, my jobs before anything else in my life though. I come first and that is something I remind my friends stressing over boys everyday. You are first. I'm not in the place I want to be in for my life so it would be hard for me to have a boyfriend or to put myself out there. But again, don't get me wrong, there is nothing stopping me from smiling back at boys on public transportation or on a crowded street. I love to give a sly smile back. It's the least I could do.
I have a problem though. Flirting and feelings go right over my head. Maybe I'm too scared to realize a guy likes me. Maybe it's because I don't want to accommodate a new person in my life. Maybe it's because I'm selfish. There are a million different possibilities to a question that cannot be answered. I'm too introverted. I'm too outgoing. I'm too loud. I'm too quiet. I can be all of these things at once and it confuses even me. These are the excuses I tell myself. I fall in love everyday. I fall in love with the color of sky. I fall in love with a pair of shoes. But I would probably be too scared to fall in love with you.
My friends tell me I have commitment problems but really that is just another terrible excuse. I love to talk and meet new people so why am I single? There's always a guy at a party talking to me but I'm probably having too much fun to care about him tomorrow. I probably want to get back to my friends and spend the party with them. Sometimes I think guys are too eager. Feelings are embarrassing to me and I don't want them. To me, having a crush on someone is like admitting defeat. I don't like it when guys break my hard exterior shell and give me feelings.
The idea of getting married and having a wedding scares me shitless. The idea of children of my own and raising them is something everyone is scared of. I feel like I'm forcing myself into singledom because I think I have commitment problems. I'm too picky when it comes to guys. The way they dress, the way they carry themselves, the way they talk is never good enough. I've learned that it's perfectly fine I'm picky. I've gone on too many fake dates and know too many boring boys to not be picky. There will come a day when I don't want to watch "Boy Meets World" reruns by myself anymore and I'll want someone there with me. Today is not that day and I'm okay with that.