About a year ago I “created” #SummerofKrista to get over a guy. And it worked.
We had a great month together. I got drunk and told him he was the one. I told him the same thing weeks later, and sober. He agreed both times. The second month he got a new job. He loved his new job. I loved that he loved his new job. I told him I wanted that for myself one day. It made me happy to hear him talk about it with pride. He had been out of college nine years (it’s true - I was fully obsessed with a man that much older than me) and waited nine years for a job like this. Everything changed.
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Similar to the “treat yo’self phenomenon” of 2011 (and beyond, I’m still treating myself with no shame to this day), #SummerofKrista was about doing whatever I wanted, for myself. And you think, Krista, you usually do whatever you want for yourself anyway. Yes. But this time I did it consciously. And in spite. I promised to stay celibate (failed) and to not reply to any exes (faaaaailed). That summer was about me and doing what I needed to do to be me. Your 20s are supposed to be filled with staying out late, drinking too much, eating junk food and living life in the best possible way. I needed that.
And, of course, I didn’t necessarily “create” #SummerofKrista. I was inspired by fellow self-help guru George Costanza of Seinfeld infamy. George is let go from the Yankees therefore proclaiming this the summer of George! While George became worryingly lazy (ending up in the hospital), I took the mentality and spirit and went forward with the newfound summer and lived life to its fullest.
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The promises weren’t kept with him. I watched myself become sad over this man and for what? He’s notorious for being the first guy to ever make me cry (imagine having the power to break ~me!~). I became a stranger to myself. He felt like the first man I could love. When we would kiss before parting ways on the train. Kissed and ran in the rain. Put our arms around each other easily while walking down the street, always in sync. Him doing work at the kitchen table and me reading a book on the couch. Our bodies wrapped perfectly together in bed intertwined fifty different ways. Talking about everything and anything. Everything was natural.
I was trying to build something. He told me he wanted to build something. To grow. To have a relationship. But his job was his priority and I wanted more. Our time was off. He apologized. The uncertainty, insecurity, the idea that I did something wrong ate me alive. And I didn’t deserve that. I broke it off. I commenced my summer.
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I love being independent and self-supportive. I don't depend on a man to tell me I look good and I have never felt this good about the way I look ever. “Men are luxuries,” in the words of Cher.
Since moving to New York two years ago, I had a craving for romance and lust. Yes, of course, wanting a boyfriend and romance is usually on a girl's mind (mine included) but it's never something I truly "craved." I had dates in college but nothing stuck. I thought it seemed like an added bonus to have a boy by my side. Nothing that seemed essential for me. I've always been the type of person who felt like they didn't need to be in a relationship. Or really, I made a promise to myself to never be the type of person who felt like they needed to be in a relationship. I realized I never craved a relationship with a man before because I was so fulfilled by my female friendships. I didn’t have that for so long since moving and that made me sad. I never had the emotional need to have a deeper connection with someone “special” because I already had it. And then I didn’t. (I have since made friends, shoutout to my girls and gays, I really don’t know where I’d be without you.)
Friends influence us more than we realize. I have caught myself using my friends' mannerisms, sayings or finding fun in their interests that I previously knew nothing about (electronicpop music, sports, cooking shows). I am a better communicator, more soulful and better person because of my friends. They all make me who I am. And, now I think I want that in a significant other.
And when I thought I found it in this man, I wanted to hold onto it. I had never had something like that before. But my spirit was broken, his lack of energy was draining and I forgot who I was. This wasn’t me. My love for myself was greater. I couldn’t waste another day in heartache over something that...wasn’t.
I like to look at life with an optimistic lens. I believe in fate. Not for a second am I humble or modest: my friends and I deserve everything this world has to offer and we are going to get it. In terms of jobs, apartments, and, yes, men.
I forgave myself for not being the best. I forgave myself for not forgiving others. I wish I could have predicted the future or done something differently but I'm glad for the way everything has turned out. One of my frequent catchphrases when life tests me is: "it builds character" and, let me tell you, a lot of character was build this past year.
I always put myself, my education, my jobs before anything else in my life though. I come first and that is something I remind my friends stressing over boys everyday. I’m still learning this. You are first.
I love feeling life. I love feeling my heart race from a concert or romantic moments. Pain is good. Joy is good. You will feel broken and hopeless and that's part of life. Your experience will be unlike anyone else's. We could do the same thing and have a different outcome from it. It's important to have your own experiences. It's life. Your most painful, broken and hopeless moments will teach you the most about yourself. Life has tested me this past year, given me an uncertainty, but with that, growth.