The feeling of December

Everyone jokes the month of August is the Sunday of the year because of school starting in September but I think December is the Sunday of the year. I hate being cliche, and I wrote this in another post, but this semester, this YEAR, flew by. Last year at this time I was saying how different my life was the year before that. Even this year year was completely different than last. I had different jobs, I was crushing on different boys, and I was simply a different person. I have changed a lot in the last two years since I was a freshman in college. As one should but I am an extremely nostalgic person so even though things have changed for the better I still feel a sense of losing certain memories.

December always gives me thoughts of "I should have done this, I should have done that" and "what did I even accomplish this year?" A year. 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months. What have I done? It's that Sunday night feeling you get when you remember you forgot to do your assignments and readings and maybe you shouldn't have watched season 5 of "Portlandia" all day. That's how I feel every December. January has that Monday morning feeling of dread and lost time. You never did finish your homework, you're tired, and even if you did finish season 5 of "Portlandia" it totally wasn't worth it. In January, you're getting a sense and vibe for the new year, like a Monday will tell you how the rest of the week will go.

December is the time to pause, breathe, appreciate, and think about what mattered most to you this year. I know I overthink everything and I hate relaxing so sitting down to think is something I would never do. It would be a waste of time to me even though I had a good year. After being rejected (twice) by my dream internship, I was given an opportunity at different magazine I am ecstatic to start. I need to start appreciating the little and beautiful things in life.

I was walking through Boston after the semester ended and two women were giving away roses. I remember rushing past them and not taking a rose after they offered me one because I was on the phone and didn't want to pause my conversation to thank them. I wish I had stopped to take a rose and I think about how beautiful a rose would have been in my dorm room. I am constantly fixated on the present and where I should be right at that second that I never stop to look around and appreciate every aspect of life that got me there. What led me to walk by these two women passing out fresh roses? Was I going to work? Had I just left a store? Something must have brought me there.

I invent pressure upon myself. I should have an internship. I should have a boyfriend. I should be better at my job. I should eat less Mexican food. The kind of pressure I give myself will never get me to where I want to be and I'm working on that. My anxiety has anxiety because of how crazy I am. I'm guilty for giving myself too many responsibilities and trying to do everything.

A Jay Z quote he said while on tour with Beyonce on the On the Run tour. I find it oddly inspiring. 

Now that it's almost 2016, I am going to remind myself that the world doesn't depend on me being a good friend, the best employee, the best leader, and other responsibilities no one asked me to take. I am learning to say no to both myself and my friends. This year will be about the little things. I always take one day at a time and I plan on keeping it that way but I am making a better system out of it. Take one day at a time but appreciate the little things a little more. Take a rose.

I am a different person than I was a year ago. And I'll likely say the same thing a year from now. I worry about different things and have a different agenda on my mind. I'm a junior in college and, damn, I'm getting old. Time to lockdown a future job or internship and find a place to live. No more time for goofing off and thinking about boys. I need to buy adult clothes and take the superhero stickers off my laptop.

December is the Sunday of the year. It slowly creeps up on you before you even realize it's haunting you and stalking you. Saturday is always fun, whether you stayed in and watched Netflix or went somewhere with friends. December is both my best friend and worst enemy. December makes me think of everything I could have done, actually did accomplish this year, and what I want to do with a new year approaching.