I don't know where my heart is

Home isn't home for me anymore. Going home has become a dreadful chore that exhausts me. Home has become a boring, unattractive place filled with the same people who were here three years ago when I left. Home is filled with people who never left, who complain about what they do, and are too afraid to change anything. I leave and come back and things are still the same. I'm the one who changed.

I'm slowly realizing I don't know where home is. After being in a different place for so long, home feels weird. It hits you. You don't belong here anymore. There's nothing for you here. You grew up and realized you wanted to leave and that's the best your hometown could do for you. There's comfort in familiarity but I don't see it. The familiar is used and boring and I've grown out of it. I created a life for myself in a new place. I have a new home. 

I am at that age where I don't feel the need to go home. I have been saying that for over a year now and I stand by it. I'm getting older and I don't need to see my parents or my old friends as often to feel affirmed or loved. I'm living a more mature life. A different life. I am in a new mindset that Boston is my home now and I have a different life there. My life is now filled with beginnings, endings, checkpoints, and changes. 

Being in college is like being in the middle of two different universes. There is my Syracuse universe and my Boston universe. They are two completely different universes and I'm stuck in the middle. I don't know where I belong. Syracuse is my high school and childhood universe and Boston is my college and adult universe. But I'm stuck in the middle somewhere because I'm still a child who depends on her parents but at the same time I'm an adult with a job who is on her own. Every time I leave Boston my life is interrupted and leaving breaks my heart so maybe Boston is where my heart is. 

I have my own life in Boston with my own jobs and own set of friends, but a big part of me is still set in my high school and childhood universe. I love my home and everything that comes with it, but I don't need it anymore. I feel like things that were once mine aren't mine anymore. Sure, my room is mine but I have to ask to use the kitchen or someone else's shampoo. It's a different feel. Whenever I go to museums and they ask me my zip code I tell them my Syracuse zip code and I'm never sure why. I never want to look like a tourist, but there must be a part of me that still clings to my home.

My house is still my home. I will always say I don't need it and I don't need to come home, but it's nice to be here even when I feel like I'm stuck in a constant trance here. My house is still jumbled with my memories. My bedroom is largely untouched. The posters in my bedroom are the same (a Led Zeppelin poster that's over four feet tall and a framed "Harry Potter" poster are my favorites), there are clothes in the closet, books I still love, blankets I've made. Whenever I go home my house always looks the same but then there's the subtle difference here and there. A bigger TV, different pillows (I even noticed a few new ornaments on the Christmas tree). Home is going on without me.

Home reminds me of a period of time I'll never get back. It will never be the same as when I was 15 and got my first kiss, it will never be the same as when I was 16 and passed my driver's test, it will never be the same as when I was 17 and realized I had some of the most amazing friends ever. Now home is hearing my favorite song when I was 18, now home is finding a photograph I took when I was 19. Home is now a set of beautiful memories I will have forever. 

I'm 20 now. I no longer want to visit all of my stomping grounds and old hangouts. There's no such thing as "glory days" and "good old times" to me. I loved high school, I really did, but there is no reason I want to relive every memory. I want to make new memories in my old hometown. 

A quote from the amazing movie "Garden State."

I had an amazing childhood. My parents gave my sister and me the best lives they could give us and continue to do everything for me to have the best life possible. I adore my sister so much and love our relationship and have some extraordinary high school friends but Syracuse isn't where my heart is anymore. This city will always hold a place in my heart but it's not mine. I don't know where home is these days. I'm between two homes - one which I've grown out of and one that seems temporary sometimes. Just because you grew up somewhere doesn't mean you'll always belong there and I'm learning to accept that.