It’s hard
to describe what’s been going on inside my head over the course of the past year.
Living in Rochester last summer, entering my final year of college, my father
closing the family business, graduating college without a job and my
grandmother passing away. I’ve been dealing with change.
I've changed a
lot. I haven't always seen the value in my family. I want to be a person of my
word. I'm trying to be at peace with myself. I'm afraid of both big and small things.
But I'll always do whatever I want to do, try the things I'm afraid of. Half
the battle is showing up. This is life and I'm doing it.
I
like to think that I have grown and matured. I think back to September and
October and think about how young I
felt. I was still new to being 21 at the time and I felt so grown up going out
with my friends and enjoying the new scenery. I started new jobs and felt as
though I was growing into myself and who I wanted to be. For the past year I
have been dealing with an existential uncertainty. But I wouldn’t be me if I
didn’t struggle with an existential crisis every 2-3 weeks. Who am I? What am I
good at? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?
Part
of me wishes I could fast forward these awkward years I’m about to encounter.
The I-don’t-have-a-job-after-college and I-live-with-my-parents years. But I
want to have these years. Being a 20-something is a scarring experience yet I
love every second of it. I’m enjoying the journey, the shittiness, everything
I’ll learn from it. Being a 20-something is both my greatest joy and greatest
sorrow.
I often forget
how much a place can be a part of someone. "I left my heart in [insert
life-changing location here]" is the caption of at least a million
Instagram posts. But it's true. I've left my heart here. And there. Across the
country and across the world. The places where we've grown or the places we
love just for its beauty and culture. I'm freaking out about the future. I
left my heart in Boston and I want to be back there. I want to find my perfect career, my perfect place to live, my perfect
life. But it’s fine that I have this uncertainty. It’s a part of life.
I like to look
at life with an optimistic lens. I believe in fate. Not for
a second am I humble or modest: my friends and I deserve everything this world
has to offer and we are going to get it. I’m learning
things take time though. It's okay to be upset when everything is out of
reach and everyone else seems to have it all, but progress is different for
everyone. Sometimes progress is writing a really longwinded and scatted post
after not being able to write for a few months and that’s fine.
It's normal for
happiness to fluctuate. Throughout the month. Throughout the week, even the
day. It's better to feel a range of emotions than nothing at all. I've allowed
stress and anxiety to eat me alive and I'm trying to avoid that now. I'm
learning that the amount of things that make me happy will always outweigh the
amount of things that make me unhappy. Vinyl records, the Instagram discover
page, writing, learning, singing in the car, leather mini skirts will always
outweigh the negatives of life.
I love feeling
life. I love feeling my heart race from a concert or romantic moments. Pain is
good. Joy is good. You will feel broken and hopeless and that's part of life.
Your experience will be unlike anyone else's. We could do the same thing and
have a different outcome from it. It's important to have your own experiences.
It's life. Your most painful, broken and hopeless moments will teach you the
most about yourself. Life has tested me this past year, given me an uncertainty,
but with that, growth.