I could tell my boss didn't like me. I knew he didn't like the fact that I had a second job (something I kept to myself unless it was somehow brought up), he noticed that I wasn't a workaholic right away or kissing his ass every opportunity I could, I was also misled about the job so I didn't give my all to it either.
On a beautiful Friday August morning, the last Friday of the month, the last "summer Friday" of the month (not that we were given summer Fridays), I was fired. Excuse me, I was ~let go.~ There is a difference and, don't worry, everyone in my life let me know there is a significant difference.
Of course, I knew there was a difference, just let me be dramatic about it.
I was "let go" due to "budget cuts," or at least that's what I told everyone. It's probably half true. I was never given a reason, but the week prior I had cut our cleaning woman's hours by 75 percent and I noticed the CFO didn't want me buying anything for the office without sound reason.
According to the Holmes-Rahe Social Adjustment Scale, losing a job is in the top ten of the most stressful life events. I didn't know how I would pay for things, I have college debt, credit card debt and trips and weddings I already planned on going. I was fired on the last Friday of the month, I needed RENT MONEY (I had rent money, just let me be dramatic about it).
I felt useless and insecure. I was so afraid. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't know what I could do. I needed people. But at the same time, I didn't want to talk to people, I didn't want to go out with my friends, I didn't want to go on dates. I felt sick and embarrassed. How could this happen to me? I felt like I had no sense of control over my life, this wasn't my choice. So many people were kind to me and reminded me to be kind and patient with myself. Not to discredit my own hard work, but it would have been even worse and had been harder if I didn't have these people.
I had low self-esteem, no routine I could follow anymore. I didn't belong to a community, an organization. I was lost.
My friends brought me gifts, checked up on me, the guy I was dating at the time set me up with recruiters, but everyone was tip-toeing around me. And I was tip-toeing around them too.
I stopped washing my hair (well, I would about once a week or just rinse it and comb it, I have curly hair after all), stopped caring about an appearance. I just felt sorry for myself. The sorry everyone felt for me eventually wore off though. I got in a fight with the guy who I was seeing, eventually not talking to him again (a lot led to that moment but my situation obviously didn't help). He told me I wanted people to feel sorry for me. I never wanted that. This was...just my situation.
Nothing made me question my self esteem and worth more than being let go from a job I didn't even like, a job that didn't allow me to use and sharpen my skills. I cried to a friend. "I've been out of college for two and a half years and I have nothing to show for it." I felt so hopeless. I was so repetitive. But I had reason.
I don't want to be the person who's glued to their desk, who eats lunch at their desk, comes to the office early and leaves late. That's not me. I wanted to enjoy life, have fun, live and I got punished for that. My job is not a part of my identity - I am not my job.
I cried when I didn't get a job that I didn't even know if i realllllly wanted. I felt skill-less and dumb and inexperienced, I always questioned what I learned in college, how I could apply it to the real world and how I could succeed but this felt affirming when I couldn't get another job.
I eventually found a new job, two and a half months later. And I'm really enjoying it. One of my coworkers (from that amazing second job, FTW) said, "Wow, you found a new job so fast!" I told her I didn't agree. I know success isn't linear, I could have been "jobless" longer but this was a hard two and a half months. My friends saw me at my lowest point. Low self-esteem, not eating healthy, moping around. I don't know if I feel stronger but I still feel proud that I was able to overcome and push forward. Cliche after cliche.
I left my office at 11 a.m. that day of the accident, I got lunch with a great friend (I got the cheapest thing on the menu) and then another great friend got me drunk that night (her treat, I love cheap beer and tequila). In between I texted all my friends to unfollow my work, eh, former work, account (I ran the media outlets and other website work) and told them I was staying positive and taking this as an opportunity. I texted my favorite coworkers and said goodbye.
I somehow did take this as an opportunity. I have learned more at my new job within two weeks than I did at seven months and seven months before at my two previous full time jobs. I'm gaining new skills and seeing media technology I didn't even know existed. I've always believed that I grow everyday, that everyday is a learning opportunity, a chance to see something and learn something new. I've taken advantage of that at my new job and hope I can for a while.